Faulbaer's Schlafmulde :: english :: love :: a little joy, a little pain, a bit of love and then goodbye
2011.05.03, 08:39

a little joy, a little pain, a bit of love and then goodbye

just to get that over with: apologies! I've been acting stupid for the past few months and although there is a good explanation for that I'm deeply sorry and I do feel my behavior requires an apology. It's going to be for a little longer but after that I'll be back to normal - roger-roger coming up. promised!

so what is this all about you may wonder. why would I of all people open a post to my tech'n'rant blog with an apology? is this a trick? will I be a sarcastic and annoying troll later on? I sure hope not.

this is about poor choices mainly. ones I don't want to miss for anything - as always - since what I learned defines who I am and how I will proceed with my life.

by the end of last year I fell in love. I did this pretty much unprepared and it didn't turn out as expected. I had the pleasure to grasp paradise for hours, sometimes even days before - well - I got pulled back to the ground rather brutally where reality kicked in to make me suffer for days and weeks. in short - it was unbalanced, unfair, unhealthy but love. the days of joy I spent singing and dancing but the days of pain I spent grinding along a borderline depression. I missed my goal to be happy as much of my time on planet earth as possible by a long shot. I made myself feel miserable, questioned my decisions, didn't believe what people told me and acted stupid most of the time. I guess that's what it's like to be in an unhealthy relationship. that's what makes "it's complicated" so painful. the main problem was that it hadn't even been my relationship to begin with. I was filling in the gaps for another, equally stupid, jerk. where he failed there was I but what he had got I couldn't have. I played the lonely friend where he could be the asshole. I don't really mind - I'd take the role of the friend over the role of an asshole every time as I'm frightened to lose control over the asshole that I know exists in me as soon as I let it out for play. I'm afraid it couldn't be contained again.

sometimes it's better to stop before it becomes too painful to endure not to. I guess I missed the mark this time but that's OK. I learned a lot about myself and I guess I even grew a bit in the process. I'm angry with myself that I lost track of what's really important to me and I feel ashamed I lost control over the situation, got distracted, got played and made a fool of myself - but that's OK, too. I will suffer a little longer and I will come back stronger, more focused and with a lot more confidence. after all as it turns out I'm human - I never really doubted that I just lost touch with that part of me for some time.

the next weeks will be hard - I know that - and it's not going to be fun but judging from the past I know it's all going to turn out well - as it always did. after all it's me who decides; I'm the one in control most of the time. there is no fate and there is nothing that can come between me and what I want. I'm pursuing my goals one at a time. there is nothing else waiting for me so I have to make the best of what I have.

I ended an unhealthy relationship, lost my car which I had spent all my money on and it is as if the sun was breaking through the clouds. I feel freedom. I'm still hurting but at the same time I'm getting back into the driver's seat. I'm taking control again - I'm almost back. this might sound silly but I stopped watching TV series and I started learning French again. I'm about to start training an instrument and even some fitness program appears to become possible. all these are distractions of some sort but I choose to be active and open where I could have gone for numb and sleepy. that's a good sign.

let's keep it real folks - this isn't going to be over too soon. there will be trolling and dark tweets and I still will be sad when I think of what could have been. it's going to be some work to get back on my feet but at least I'm not passive or depressed or living a relationship-nightmare.

I wish everybody involved all the best. this is not the end, it's a new beginning. make the best of the time you have and be strong. be true to yourself and pursue your goals. become who you want to be and stay in control. love yourself and only then can you be loved or truly love anybody else. don't live your life in anyone's shadow and live your life as if you had only this one - despite what your faith might make you believe. get to know yourself. find out what you cannot do and don't do it. develop on your strengths and talents. don't waste your time with regret and don't invest into what you cannot change. learn something new every once in a while and of two bad paths choose the one you never went before. leave your comfort-zone and always pursue happiness.


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