Faulbaer's Schlafmulde :: english :: love
4 articles
http://jm.tosses.info

three months and counting

it's funny really how everything turns out sometimes. a year ago I thought I had experienced a painful relationship of some sort and even felt like calling this love but now I have to find out that whatever that might have been it was nothing compared to real love.

it's not about the butterflies - not about being separated - not about the fun and not about the pain.

what it is about - to me at least - is how close I feel to her, the way I know I can trust her with all my heart. the way she never gets annoying or "to much" even after days spent in the same room. I don't think I'm explaining this well but the way it used to be before is ... well ... a lot different.

in the past I tended to become fed up with people, became bored and annoyed with people quite quickly. open end visits took as long as up to eight hours tops but then one of us had to leave. timed visits could go on for a bit longer if I could tell when those would end. I don't know if this is imaginable to you but this is still the case. people still get on my nerves after a relatively short amount of time ... everybody but my dear beloved wife that is. of her I cannot get enough.

time flies while we are together. I'm still waiting for this to end in a way because I cannot believe this is really happening. the way it looks like, though, I won't hold my breath. so far it doesn't feel as if this was going to end any time soon - let's hope for it!

due to a business meeting we are now separated for some days. that's ok as whenever I think of her besides the feeling of being a bit lonely there is this undefined warm fuzziness that makes me smile. the next thing then is to text or to write something or just to anticipate my return and then to hold her in my arms again and become whole.

I don't know why exactly I'm writing about this here in my tech-and-rant blog ... I reckon it's mostly just to let you know that I'm well - I mean REALLY WELL - although you haven't heard much from me in the recent past. that said I'm going to go back to blogging about tech stuff again for the future, will keep the blog techie and rantie from now on. ten more posts, maybe twenty and this will all be forgotten.

I'm not sure about this because it would break certain rules I defined for this blog when I started it years ago but I might actually remove some of the past posts of make them less easily accessible. but as I said this has to be decided another day.

now I'm getting tired.

Faulbaer (sweet dreams coming up)

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[ 2012.11.30, 00:26 :: thema: /english/love :: link zum artikel :: 0 Comments ]

every once in a while I'll be amazed

yes, it's true, I fell deeply in love and now I've been married for about two months. so far this has been extremely exciting - lots and lots of memories I want to keep forever and so many moments I which left me in total amazement. The experience has been so great I'm considering to start blogging again.

I'm still madly in love and all butterflies. the great thing about being married for me is to have access to my wife almost twenty-four-seven. ok - I had that with the cats, too but here it is different. I never believed something like this could work for me but boy was I in for a surprise!

what I couldn't expect was how attached I became but without the general annoyance people tended to cause me after some hours of being close - this feeling is gone entirely - at least regarding my wife. we can and actually we do spend not hours but days and weeks close to each other without as much as being unnerved by one another. time flies and even after a week together none of us can leave the other for long before we start missing each other a lot again. then we usually start texting like teenagers. I'm fairly certain this won't last in the same intensity forever but so far I cannot see this feeling to become weaker. we'll enjoy this as long as it lasts. in the meantime we shall look for a bigger apartment for the next phase.

relations between our newly wed families turned out quite warm and welcoming. I love her parents and they seem to be fond of me - just imagine how great it is to be able to just double the amount of loving parents you have.

since my wife moved into my studio we have been looking for a bigger but quieter place. in Bonn this has been challenging but we won't give up hope just yet. we are considering other cites like FRA, CGN or DUS as further options, DUS being the favourite at the moment but Bonn is not yet off the table.

so there you are, the rumours were true - I've been happily married since August 23rd around 3:15pm. We are also considering a white wedding at the same date either next year or more likely the year after. to me being an agnostic this is more for show but I loved the white weddings I had the honour of being the photographer for. friends and family shall expect an invitation early that year.

Faulbaer (never given up on finding true love: success!)

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[ 2012.11.08, 12:10 :: thema: /english/love :: link zum artikel :: 0 Comments ]

all you need is ...

just about another half year has passed and all I can say is "happy happy joy joy!"

Faulbaer (love)

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[ 2012.07.17, 07:23 :: thema: /english/love :: link zum artikel :: 0 Comments ]

a little joy, a little pain, a bit of love and then goodbye

just to get that over with: apologies! I've been acting stupid for the past few months and although there is a good explanation for that I'm deeply sorry and I do feel my behavior requires an apology. It's going to be for a little longer but after that I'll be back to normal - roger-roger coming up. promised!

so what is this all about you may wonder. why would I of all people open a post to my tech'n'rant blog with an apology? is this a trick? will I be a sarcastic and annoying troll later on? I sure hope not.

this is about poor choices mainly. ones I don't want to miss for anything - as always - since what I learned defines who I am and how I will proceed with my life.

by the end of last year I fell in love. I did this pretty much unprepared and it didn't turn out as expected. I had the pleasure to grasp paradise for hours, sometimes even days before - well - I got pulled back to the ground rather brutally where reality kicked in to make me suffer for days and weeks. in short - it was unbalanced, unfair, unhealthy but love. the days of joy I spent singing and dancing but the days of pain I spent grinding along a borderline depression. I missed my goal to be happy as much of my time on planet earth as possible by a long shot. I made myself feel miserable, questioned my decisions, didn't believe what people told me and acted stupid most of the time. I guess that's what it's like to be in an unhealthy relationship. that's what makes "it's complicated" so painful. the main problem was that it hadn't even been my relationship to begin with. I was filling in the gaps for another, equally stupid, jerk. where he failed there was I but what he had got I couldn't have. I played the lonely friend where he could be the asshole. I don't really mind - I'd take the role of the friend over the role of an asshole every time as I'm frightened to lose control over the asshole that I know exists in me as soon as I let it out for play. I'm afraid it couldn't be contained again.

sometimes it's better to stop before it becomes too painful to endure not to. I guess I missed the mark this time but that's OK. I learned a lot about myself and I guess I even grew a bit in the process. I'm angry with myself that I lost track of what's really important to me and I feel ashamed I lost control over the situation, got distracted, got played and made a fool of myself - but that's OK, too. I will suffer a little longer and I will come back stronger, more focused and with a lot more confidence. after all as it turns out I'm human - I never really doubted that I just lost touch with that part of me for some time.

the next weeks will be hard - I know that - and it's not going to be fun but judging from the past I know it's all going to turn out well - as it always did. after all it's me who decides; I'm the one in control most of the time. there is no fate and there is nothing that can come between me and what I want. I'm pursuing my goals one at a time. there is nothing else waiting for me so I have to make the best of what I have.

I ended an unhealthy relationship, lost my car which I had spent all my money on and it is as if the sun was breaking through the clouds. I feel freedom. I'm still hurting but at the same time I'm getting back into the driver's seat. I'm taking control again - I'm almost back. this might sound silly but I stopped watching TV series and I started learning French again. I'm about to start training an instrument and even some fitness program appears to become possible. all these are distractions of some sort but I choose to be active and open where I could have gone for numb and sleepy. that's a good sign.

let's keep it real folks - this isn't going to be over too soon. there will be trolling and dark tweets and I still will be sad when I think of what could have been. it's going to be some work to get back on my feet but at least I'm not passive or depressed or living a relationship-nightmare.

I wish everybody involved all the best. this is not the end, it's a new beginning. make the best of the time you have and be strong. be true to yourself and pursue your goals. become who you want to be and stay in control. love yourself and only then can you be loved or truly love anybody else. don't live your life in anyone's shadow and live your life as if you had only this one - despite what your faith might make you believe. get to know yourself. find out what you cannot do and don't do it. develop on your strengths and talents. don't waste your time with regret and don't invest into what you cannot change. learn something new every once in a while and of two bad paths choose the one you never went before. leave your comfort-zone and always pursue happiness.

cheers!
-jmt.

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[ 2011.05.03, 08:39 :: thema: /english/love :: link zum artikel :: 0 Comments ]
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